MindBlemish takes a step forward!!

MindBlemish is not just for me. New stories, a Poshmark store, and an Instagram page has been an added addition to MindBlemish!

Mental health issues are existent and society needs to be educated! We can’t be ignored! So join me on sharing MindBlemish and be a part of this growing community! Let’s make it happen!!!

Unique Love

I was never really taught how to love as a child, straight into my adulthood, until I met my children. It wasn’t until I gave birth to my daughter, who is the oldest, that I felt true love. Even then, I struggled with learning to love. Growing up, love in my house was taught by hitting one another, beatings my sisters and I would receive by our father, the lack of support from our mother. I grew up with the mentality that men were supposed to beat women and women were to tolerate the abuse.

It wasn’t until well into my thirties that I realized I was hella wrong. My love for my kids was so strong. Now in my early forties, I love hard. So hard I wear my heart on my sleeve, and people who know this take advantage. But I also learned how to love from a distance. It’s working out.

There are still some corners that need painting and I am in a place where I am willing to embrace and learn. It takes time though. Someone recently said to me “I am not the people from your past, I will not hurt you.” I know that truthfully, this individual is keeping it real and would never cause my mind, body, and soul any type of pain. But again, I’m still learning. Patience is what is needed.

There are people that the higher power places in your life for a reason. I always say “people who we allow in our comfort zone are our teachers. Whether they stay or not, either way I learned what to and not to do with the next person.” I recently involved myself in a situation, that I do not regret, and it has taught me so many things. I’ve learned that there are going to be several times where I can see and hear whats going on, not like it, but it’s best to keep my mouth shut. I also learned that no matter what goes on, stand by how I feel and don’t walk away. Walking away is not an option because I know I am where I am supposed to be as well as where I want to be.

Not everyone will “get it” or “understand you” and trust that, that is alright. As long as you stand firm on your decisions and choices, you’re good. Eventually the other party will realize that there was no harm intended. It’s love. All love.

I’m not walking away but I am also not going to feel guilty about my feelings and emotions. I am still learning i.e. the beginning of this passage. It’s not everyday that I come across people who genuinly give two fucks. I will say that when I was wrong, I admitted it and apologized for my behavior, something that I would never have done five years back.

I have a good heart with no malintentions. I am not walking away from situations so easily, most especially the ones I choose to be in. I know that not everyone will agree with my opinions and thats ok. We won’t give up. If you are willing to work with me, I can definitely work with you. I am open to trying and making an effort because I love and I love hard.

So, I guess the question here is, I am still willing to still learn. Are you willing to teach?

 

Monica’s Closet

     You ever see that episode of “Friends” where Chandler and Monica live together in Monica’s apartment, and there is this one door, since season one, that was never opened that Chandler questions towards the end of the series, and he decides to pry it open and finds out Monica’s dirty secret?? The fact that she isn’t so OCDish after all, she’s actually messy!!!!

That’s how I like to address certain situations in life. If I feel like there is a situation where there are secrets or that people are being  messy…they have a “Monica’s Closet”. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Shit happens. However, it’s bound to be called out.

It is human nature to keep certain things a secret because a person may feel that it is humiliating or embarrassing. They feel that they will be judged or belittled by the choices they make or have made. So they compromise to please others. Justifying certain things then hiding the truth in a closet. Tucked away behind the memory box filled with all the photo’s of their childhood and reminiscing over what they remember were good times. Not logically thinking…who’s happiness is more important, yours or theirs?

There are times where we feel the need to sacrifice our own happiness, even our lives, just to prevent certain things from happening, or to keep some of our secrets from coming to light. The real question is…how far are you willing to go?? You!! Yes YOU!!!! HOW FAR ARE YOU WILLING TO GO WITH YOUR SECRET? What are you willing to risk so that noone opens your closet and finds your truth? And is your happiness worth he pain and grief that could possibly occur because you decided to pack your shit and hide it in “Monica’s Closet”????

Mine is not. There comes a point in our lives where you have to throw in the towel and say “Fuck it” and just embrace the shit. Secrets are like a fucking job. You gotta work hard at keeping them and lies come equipped with that shit. You have to stay on top of them 24/7. This is when you need to ask yourself, is your life worth living like that?

I can care tremendously, but when I love, I LOVE HARD. I learned that having a closet filled with secrets can ruin relationships, break families apart, and even cause physical, emotional, and verbal harm to a person.  No pain is worth having like that.

Not sure if this applies to you, but think about it. Your happiness is one of your most prized possessions. Don’t risk it for a secret or secrets that could cause more damage then the truth. I learned that when I found my mom’s “Monica’s closet”. She hid it for decades and then, BOOM!!!!, just like that…I opened it. I want to say it brought my siblings and I much closer, because that is what I feel, but my relationship with my mother…thats tarnished and I truly doubt it will ever be the same.

In conclusion, don’t be messy…cause we all have a Chandler in our lives….as well as a Monica’s closet…

Don’t be messy about your shit. Bye now.

##MINDBLEMISH

 

You are appreciated

There have been plenty of times when I felt alone even though I knew that I had support. It’s hard to see who’s who when your mind is always cluttered with scattered thoughts and you just continue to ruminate. I needed to be away from the toxicity to realize who valued and appreciated me. Once I did that, I slowly began trusting again and eventually I opened up about what I was going through.

I have three sisters. All older than me. Although we are siblings, only one appreciated me. She continued to encourage me, support me, never criticized me, and was always there when I needed someone…anyone.

When a person is willing to sacrifice their time just to make sure that you are ok, you are appreciated. I will tell you that a battled many illnesses (which we’ll get into another time) many of which surgery was needed, this woman was there!! No one else!! My big sister that’s all!!

My other siblings are non supportive in anything I do. My own child doesn’t even support me, unless, of course, they play a cameo in the situation. That’s selfish right? Yeah I know.

I’m where I am today because of my big Sis and her husband, my brother in law, because they never gave up on me. I was always appreciated.

So don’t fret, someone’s there for you. You’ll realize that when you think that you’re in the worst situation in the world and that person shows up and usually it’s the last person you’d expect to be there.

Remember, there are children dying of hunger, women being trafficked, and Trump being President…

Your life ain’t so bad kid 💋😘💋

Introducing my 30+ year friendship

We all have friends. Some come and go, some stay for a lifetime.

This is about my lifetime friendship with my Best Friend/Sister…Kwanita.

It was 1983 when we met. I was 6 years old and she was 4. Who would have ever thought that by the year 2019 we would have witnessed our children grow, watch each other grow, and still maintain the sisterhood we fought so hard to keep.

Of course we’ve had our bad times as young girls. Fought like siblings. The best part though, is hours later, we’d resume our day as if nothing ever happened.

She’s my rock for sure. I am older than her but yet it feels like she’s the big sister (If you see how tall she is, you’d understand 🤣).

She called me today and boy I vented. I almost cried BUT she put a pause on that. She reminds me so much of my sister Marisol who too, has so much faith and confidence in me, and doesn’t hesitate as well to put a pause on my bullshit (and possibly a foot in my ass) when I’m in a dark place mentally. It feels great to have that unconditional support.

Kwanita, she and I shared so much in common. We both suffered hard childhoods, difficult times in our teen years, but as we became adults and Mothers, our perspectives on life changed. It took me a little longer to get where she is, but she never stopped loving me. She never doubted me, she never left my side…for over 30 years. That’s love.

I can remember so many times when my Dad went through one of his rages, she would grab me and take me right across the street to her house and tell her mom. Those were times I knew I was safe. She knew what it felt like, she understood and never left my side until she knew them blows were coming to a halt…at least for that day.

I remember one time when my dad flipped out so bad she took me to her house and told her mom I was hurt badly. My dad whipped me so harshly I had marks. Marisol was away at college so she couldn’t save me. But, Kwanita’s mom called the police and they took my Dad. I remember my mom sitting on the front stoop crying and the cop said to her “Why do you keep letting this guy beat your daughter?” My mom said ” He’s not beating her, he’s disciplining her!” She was crying when she said this and Kwanita’s mom went off on her. I will not forget this. I was about 10 and my other sister had a baby already who was a few months old and it was right after school finished. I never make excuses for either one of my parents because honestly, there is none. They were both wrong.

But there she was again, Kwanita saved the day!! And I love her for everything she has done, everything she stands for, everything she will be.

Not everyone can say they have this. Not everyone can say they’ve held on to friendships this long. But if you have, embrace it, endure every moment of it, appreciate it, and most important, love it. Because there aren’t too many “Kwanitas” in the world. I know this for a fact…because I am blessed to have the original ❤️❤️

No judgement zone

People are so quick to pass judgement. Not knowing what a person has or is going through, they will sit there and judge them relentlessly. Yeah, someone did that to me a few moments ago.

I used to care about people’s opinions. Now, I can give two fucks. I have a beautiful home, I have two cars, I have food, I have my children, I have money, I have my health, and I have my family. Nothing else matters.

The thing is, people who pass judgement never tend to judge themselves. I could throw this person under the bus, but I won’t. I won’t because I have standards. My success came from me and the help from my family. I’d be in shits river if it weren’t for my big sister and my brother in law. But I listened, I embraced, and now I’m happy.

So say what you want about me. Insult me until you’re blue in the face. As a matter fact, make talking about me your favorite topic. Use what I haven’t against me. I’ve been cut by swords before and I survived.

Every wound heals over time. I refuse to remain a prisoner to a persons words. People only put you down and talk about other people because they’re not happy with themselves.

So with this being said, I wish you the best, good luck to you, and good luck trying to bring me down to your level. Just remember it wasn’t too long ago that you came to me asking for a handout.

Im so glad I never did.

No judgement zone

People are so quick to pass judgement. Not knowing what a person has or is going through, they will sit there and judge them relentlessly. Yeah, someone did that to me a few moments ago.

I used to care about people’s opinions. Now, I can give two fucks. I have a beautiful home, I have two cars, I have food, I have my children, I have money, I have my health, and I have my family. Nothing else matters.

The thing is, people who pass judgement never tend to judge themselves. I could throw this person under the bus, but I won’t. I won’t because I have standards. My success came from me and the help from my family. I’d be in shits river if it weren’t for my big sister and my brother in law. But I listened, I embraced, and now I’m happy.

So say what you want about me. Insult me until you’re blue in the face. As a matter fact, make talking about me your favorite topic. Use what I haven’t against me. I’ve been cut by swords before and I survived.

Every wound heals over time. I refuse to remain a prisoner to a persons words. People only put you down and talk about other people because they’re not happy with themselves.

So with this being said, I wish you the best, good luck to you, and good luck trying to bring me down to your level. Just remember it wasn’t too long ago that you came to me asking for a handout.

Im so glad I never did.