I….am a manic depressive. Yes, you’ve read correctly. I suffer from severe depression. There are days where I can seem so very happy and outgoing but inside I am feeling so much pain and hurt. Most of the time there is no reason or cause for my sadness. It just happens.
Most of society do not understand the severity of depression. It is a serious illness. So serious it can become fatal. People take their own lives because of it.
My depression became frequent as I got older. I’ve tried to take my life quite a few times. Unsuccessful with all my attempts, I knew that death wasn’t ready for me. So I sought help. I started seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. They sent me to a neurologist. It was then that I was diagnosed with ADHD. Things went from bad to worse. I just wanted to give up!! I mean, who the hell wants to be depressed and hyper at the same damn time!!!
So I kept going to my behavioral health doctors. I joined groups. I let out my feelings and discovered that I suffered from repressed memories. There were things that happened in my life that I blocked out. Things that I never wanted to remember. Things that I refused to remember.
I’m still in therapy. I still seek help so that I can control my emotions. I used to get so angry that I’d want to fight people, break things. However, I learned and gained control. My confidence grew stronger. I became confident and my self esteem strengthened.
The worst part of depression is the anxiety that accompanies it. I swear it is the most horrific feeling anyone could endure. There are nights when I could be in the deepest of sleep and POW! I wake up GASPING for air. The room feels as if it’s closing in on me as it’s spinning. I try coping skills but it doesn’t work no matter how hard I try. So I sleep again. With the hopes that I won’t go through another episode again.
I’ve gained control of my depression but, I still need to work on my anxiety. It isn’t very easy. Not at all.
Since moving to Pennsylvania, I’ve found a sort of peace. I’m less depressed and more active. Before, while living in New York, I’d sleep all day and night. Now I’m up like clockwork at 5:30am. Don’t think I’m 1000% fixed because I’m not. I still see a therapist and psychiatrist, I still join groups, and I now advocate for people suffering with the same illness. And I must tell you….I am unbothered in every way. I rationalize things more. I talk things out. Most importantly, I don’t keep my feelings bottled up inside.
So if you know someone who suffers from this illness, don’t judge them. Reach out to them. There’s help everywhere.
Remember, some times people just want to be heard. Not judged.
“A big part of depression is feeling really lonely, even if you’re in a room full of a million people.”