The last we spoke was the night of September 11, 2018, at 11:13pm. We laughed at a joke and his last words to me were “I’ll see you Saturday!”. He passed away at 2:10am on September 12th. My heart broke into millions of pieces later on that morning when I received the phone call informing me of his death. That pain is so unbearable.
I hung his picture on my wall that day. Lit two candles and put the lyrics to “Wild Flowers” by Tom Petty, in a frame below it. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell him that I loved him.
We had a secret relationship, as we are both involved with someone else. He was my world. He ran through my thoughts everyday. Everyday we would speak. I remember before leaving Long Island, he called me a “Punk” because I decided to leave. He made jokes but he knew. He knew how I felt. At times he would joke around and tell me how other women would flock at his feet and I would laugh. I’d laugh because I knew what he was trying to do and it didn’t work lol.
The last time I saw him was Labor day weekend. The Sunday before Labor day we met up. He got out his car and came to me and lifted me off my feet and said “Aww, you miss me.” Yeah, I miss you. Now more than ever. I can’t get you off of my mind. You are embedded so deep that the devil himself couldn’t remove you.
He’s gone now. He’s gone and I am beyond hurt. Every song I hear, every movie I see, every meal I cook, reminds me of him. How does one let go? How do you just get over the loss of someone who you were in love with?
My sister said to me “Mar, there is no expiration date when it comes to mourning.” I’m glad she told me this because now I know that I don’t have to let go. I will never let go. I will never forget.
I’m hurting so badly. The void is so critical that at times I just want to keel over and die. I know that he wouldn’t be happy with this. I know he’d tell me to stop acting like a big baby and grow balls. That’s just the type of dude he was. No filter, no hair on his tongue.
I cried so much today. I looked though his pictures and watched his videos just so I can hear his voice. His smile, oh his beautiful smile. It brought rays of light to my heart. I wish that there were ways to tell him all the things I should have told him before. I wish heaven had a phone so that I can call and say my last words. I wish he would come to me in my dreams so that I can tell him “I love you!”.
I am devastated. I am so angry and hurt. It should have never been him. He was loved by so many people. He was so popular. But that’s not why I loved him. I loved his character, his charisma, his loyalty, his honesty, his realness. He was so tall and handsome too. He was everything to me and I never said goodbye.
I know that this too shall pass, this empty feeling and hurtful void. When I am ready I will let go but I will never forget. He will always be in my memories. Until then, I will shed tears until I can no longer. I will tolerate the pain until I can no longer. I will hold on until I decide to no longer.
Have a wonderful journey home Hec. Sleep in peace. Know that I will always keep you in my heart.
“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”