Never said “Goodbye”

The last we spoke was the night of September 11, 2018, at 11:13pm. We laughed at a joke and his last words to me were “I’ll see you Saturday!”. He passed away at 2:10am on September 12th. My heart broke into millions pieces later on that morning when I received the phone call informing me of his death. That pain is so unbearable.

I hung his picture on my wall that day. Lit two candles and put the lyrics to “Wild Flowers” by Tom Petty, in a frame below it. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to tell him that I loved him.

We had a secret relationship, as we are both involved with someone else. He was my world. He ran through my thoughts everyday. Everyday we would speak. I remember before leaving Long Island, he called me a “Punk” because I decided to leave. He made jokes but he knew. He knew how I felt. At times he would joke around and tell me how other women would flock at his feet and I would laugh. I’d laugh because I knew what he was trying to do and it didn’t work lol.

The last time I saw him was Labor day weekend. The Sunday before Labor day we met up. He got out his car and came to me and lifted me off my feet and said “Aww, you miss me.” Yeah, I miss you. Now more than ever. I can’t get you off of my mind. You are embedded so deep that the devil himself couldn’t remove you.

He’s gone now. He’s gone and I am beyond hurt. Every song I hear, every movie I see, every meal I cook, reminds me of him. How does one let go? How do you just get over the loss of someone who you were in love with?

My sister said to me “Mar, there is no expiration date when it comes to mourning.” I’m glad she told me this because now I know that I don’t have to let go. I will never let go. I will never forget.

I’m hurting so badly. The void is so critical that at times I just want to keel over and die. I know that he wouldn’t be happy with this. I know he’d tell me to stop acting like a big baby and grow balls. That’s just the type of dude he was. No filter, no hair on his tongue.

I cried so much today. I looked though his pictures and watched his videos just so I can hear his voice. His smile, oh his beautiful smile. It brought rays of light to my heart. I wish that there were ways to tell him all the things I should have told him before. I wish heaven had a phone so that I can call and say my last words. I wish he would come to me in my dreams so that I can tell him “I love you!”.

I am devastated. I am so angry and hurt. It should have never been him. He was loved by so many people. He was so popular. But that’s not why I loved him. I loved his character, his charisma, his loyalty, his honesty, his realness. He was so tall and handsome too. He was everything to me and I never said goodbye.

I know that this too shall pass, this empty feeling and hurtful void. When I am ready I will let go but I will never forget. He will always be in my memories. Until then, I will shed tears until I can no longer. I will tolerate the pain until I can no longer. I will hold on until I decide to no longer.

Have a wonderful journey home Hec. Sleep in peace. Know that I will always keep you in my heart.

With Love,

Mar

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

~Richard Puz~
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Sadness can become a sickness

I….am a manic depressive. Yes, you’ve read correctly. I suffer from severe depression. There are days where I can seem so very happy and outgoing but inside I am feeling so much pain and hurt. Most of the time there is no reason or cause for my sadness. It just happens.

Most of society do not understand the severity of depression. It is a serious illness. So serious it can become fatal. People take their own lives because of it.

My depression became frequent as I got older. I’ve tried to take my life quite a few times. Unsuccessful with all my attempts, I knew that death wasn’t ready for me. So I sought help. I started seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. They sent me to a neurologist. It was then that I was diagnosed with ADHD. Things went from bad to worse. I just wanted to give up!! I mean, who the hell wants to be depressed and hyper at the same damn time!!!

So I kept going to my behavioral health doctors. I joined groups. I let out my feelings and discovered that I suffered from repressed memories. There were things that happened in my life that I blocked out. Things that I never wanted to remember. Things that I refused to remember.

I’m still in therapy. I still seek help so that I can control my emotions. I used to get so angry that I’d want to fight people, break things. However, I learned and gained control. My confidence grew stronger. I became confident and my self esteem strengthened.

The worst part of depression is the anxiety that accompanies it. I swear it is the most horrific feeling anyone could endure. There are nights when I could be in the deepest of sleep and POW! I wake up GASPING for air. The room feels as if it’s closing in on me as it’s spinning. I try coping skills but it doesn’t work no matter how hard I try. So I sleep again. With the hopes that I won’t go through another episode again.

I’ve gained control of my depression but, I still need to work on my anxiety. It isn’t very easy. Not at all.

Since moving to Pennsylvania, I’ve found a sort of peace. I’m less depressed and more active. Before, while living in New York, I’d sleep all day and night. Now I’m up like clockwork at 5:30am. Don’t think I’m 1000% fixed because I’m not. I still see a therapist and psychiatrist, I still join groups, and I now advocate for people suffering with the same illness. And I must tell you….I am unbothered in every way. I rationalize things more. I talk things out. Most importantly, I don’t keep my feelings bottled up inside.

So if you know someone who suffers from this illness, don’t judge them. Reach out to them. There’s help everywhere.

Remember, some times people just want to be heard. Not judged.

“A big part of depression is feeling really lonely, even if you’re in a room full of a million people.”

~Lilly Singh~

With love,

Mar

Coping with loss

Religious people claim there is a heaven and hell. They also claim the good go up the bad go down. Even some say the good go down because of something bad they’ve done during life.

The truth is, how do we really know where one goes after death? How do we know that their spirit isn’t just with us helping us get through the pain of their deaths? Answer is, we really don’t know. What is said are words or scriptures written in a book that no one truthfully knows who it was written by.

On the very early morning of September 12, 2018, Not only did I, but hundreds of others lost two of the most amazing people in the world due to a horrible car accident. These two Men recently became fathers to two precious little girls. This tragedy hit home hard. No one, especially their parents, will ever fully recover from this. These two were special in so many ways.

The one thing I hate most is when people say “It’s going to be ok” or “They’re in a better place”. What if the better place was here, with the living, with us? It will never be easy to accept that they’re not here. It’s a feeling that most refuse to accept. I know that I won’t. I don’t want to. I want them back here and for this nightmare to end.

Coping with loss is never easy. It is the hardest thing to have to fathom. The pain is so real, it leaves a void somewhere within your heart. A pain that you feel, but don’t feel. Moving on and going forward in life is not easy either. There is no answer as to how to really deal with death. There never will be.

So how do we go on with life during their absence? By continuing to share the good times (as well as the bad) with everyone. Sharing awesome tales of things they’ve done with their children. Never forgetting who they are and what they meant in this world. The recovery process is never easy and of course, hearts heal in time. But they only heal when we are ready to heal. Not when people tell us to.

So to all who knew Shawn J and Hec S, take your time with this. Cry until you are satisfied and don’t want to cry anymore. Don’t accept the loss until you are ready to. And to the beautiful mothers who took care of them and raised them to be MEN, don’t ever let go and follow your hearts. Let go when you feel you are ready to. Move on when you are ready to. Not when people tell you to.

September 12, 2018 was the worst day in my life as well as the lives of others. Mourning this situation will be so difficult. We were not ready. Every day, hour, and minute that goes by, they both will be in our hearts and in our thoughts. I will cry until my tears run dry. This is not goodbye guys. It never will be. Ever.

Sleep in peace Shawn J and Hec S. Spread your wings and fly during your journey home.

With Love,

Mar

The Beginning of the End

Blogging was never something that I thought I would find myself doing. Writing however, is something that I enjoy doing. When I was in school, English class was probably the only subject that I’d get an “A” in. I’d love to write poems, songs, short stories, etc. The one thing that I always wanted to do was write about my life. Now more than ever. I have an interesting life by the way. Good things have happened, great things have happened, bad things have happened, and unfortunately, horrible things as well. At 41 years old, here I am. Ready to tell YOU my story.

Now, my blog will be about my encounters in life. Things I have been through, things I have accomplished, and things I have failed at. My purpose is to tell my story with the hopes that some of my readers, or maybe even all, will learn from my experiences or even tell my story to others and possibly help people. If my tale can help and/or save one life…I have succeeded and so have you and the person you have helped.

I’ve always been one to start something and when I felt that it was not worth it, I’d give up. I failed and I didn’t care. Now, I am in a different place. A better one. A place where I’d never thought I’d be in life. That place is filled with love, faith, hope, and tranquility. I’m never leaving here. Why? Because if I do, I’ll be back to the miserable realm I (and only I) kept myself in.

So here I am! Ready and willing to tell all to all! Are you willing to listen? I do hope so! You’ll find my stories interesting, funny, sad, controversial, debatable, and helpful. I will give advice on parenting. Not that I am the best Mom in the world, but hey, nobody’s perfect, you feel me?!

So let me begin. My name is Marlyn. Pronounced MARLEEN. Not Marilyn, not Marlon, not Marline. MARLYN. The spelling was my mother’s bright idea. She always has to be different. In a cute way of course. Anyway, I am 41 years old and I was born in Plainview, NY, raised in Central Islip, NY, and lived most of my life in Brentwood, NY. I recently moved on July 2, 2018 to Levittown, PA. I have three big sisters. Jannette, Marisol, and Maribel. I have four children. Anesiya who is 21, Angel who is 16, Abriel who is 10, and Ariyan (don’t judge me on his name) who is 5. My sister Janette does not have the same mother has my two other sisters and I. However, my mom is a great mom to her, and she is a great daughter to my mom.

My sister Marisol, who is the second oldest, lives here in PA as well. She’s been here for about, I don’t know, maybe twenty years? I might be wrong. So let’s just say she’s been here forever. She’s the reason for my move as well as her husband, my awesome brother-in-law, Glenn. He is a Pennsylvania native. They convinced and encouraged me to leave Long Island, NY for many reasons. I was definitely NOT doing good over there. You’ll learn more about why in future blogs. Both of them are very successful and very educated and smart. They have got they’re crap together let me just tell you. My sister is funny. We laugh so much it’s crazy. She is the Queen of comical sarcasm. You could never get offended by her. You just can’t. Trust me, I know! She’s also so very beautiful, inside and out. She has this aura about her. It’s amazing. Anyway, if it weren’t for them, I would not be how I am today. And I have to tell you…IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE THIS WAY!

My sister Maribel, who is the third oldest lives in Brooklyn with her fiancé Mike, two sons (my nephews), Victor and Dean, as well as my daughter Anesiya. Maribel runs her own business and is her own boss. She is very successful and smart. Not to mention very beautiful. She’s been through a lot in her life as well, but managed to get passed it and never allowed it to stop her. I envy her for that. We used to be very close. Inseparable if you want to be specific. Unfortunately, I’ve made poor choices and caused a major strain between us and our relationship causing us to drift apart, not having the same relationship we once had. Don’t get me wrong, she is far from perfect and has her fair share of mistakes and wrong doings, but again, we are all human, right?

Then there is me. Marlyn Rivera. The fuck up. Yep, I said it! I was a major FUCK UP! I was also a great disappointment to my entire family. I have been arrested more times than I can count on both hands. I have been in group homes, jail, drug houses, homeless, and jobless. You name it, I did it or was involved in it. I was a high school drop out. 10th grade I left. I hated school so much. I got suspended for several fights. I would cut school. I would fight teachers. Whew, boy was I a bad apple. So bad my friends parents wouldn’t want them around me. Yeah, I was horrible.

I had a few sickening relationships too. Bad. When I say bad, I mean BAAAAAADDDD! Domestic violence, drugs, and arrests played a major part in my life. I won’t lie to you. I loved it. I enjoyed living that crazy, spontaneous, what’s gonna happen next kind of life. Until it started to affect my kids, my family, and some friendships. It was time for a change.

That change started when I met Tony. Tony is the father of my youngest child and my fiancé. He encouraged me to put an end to the wild life and get my shit together. Because of him, I got my GED, scoring a whopping 2980 on it. In NYS you need to pass with a 410 in all subjects totaling at least a 2250 giving an average of 450 in all subjects. I beat that for sure. I scored third highest in the county of Suffolk, State of New York in the month of February 2013. You have no idea how that felt. Immediately after graduating, I was so amped and eager for more, I decided to go to college and major in Criminal Justice, which is my passion by the way. I love criminal justice. I graduated achieving my Associate’s degree with a 3.7 GPA. I WAS ON FIRE! Meanwhile, during my college education, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I never let that stop me. But that’s another story we’ll get into at a later time.

I just re-enrolled back into college in Pennsylvania. I am working on my Bachelor’s and Master’s in Criminal Justice, Crime and Behavior as well as Homeland security. I am certified in four different areas of FEMA. I am also studying Childhood development and behavior. This is important to me because my 10 year old Abriel is a child of special needs. Abriel (who we call AJ) is Autistic with Asperger’s syndrome. His diagnosis places him very high on the spectrum of Autism. He also has ADHD and is epileptic. But if you met him, you’d fall in love. He is the sweetest, kindest, and most loveable human being in the world. I’ll tell you more about AJ as well as my other children later on.

I have a small group of friends. This group are the only one’s I’d trust with my life! Not my kids though lol! There’s Amber, who’s no taller than a gnome. She’s the one who I run to when I need a reality check. She’s also the one I run to when I need help with my homework! Amber is smart as hell. She’ll take a 600 paged book and read it in four hours. Who does that?

Then there is Pito. Who is my big little brother. My best friend. Pito sometimes needs a hug. I have no problems giving him those. He’s helped me through a lot. Emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Life would not be the same without him.

Then we have Milly Millz ❤️❤️ Millz is my sister from another mister. We are definitely inseparable. She’s dealing with some things right now but I want you all to know this…She ain’t never scared!! Milly is my hype gal, my “fuck it let’s do this” chic lol! Always on a positive level though!! She’s definitely a part of my life that is irreplaceable. No one can top her.

Josie is my bestie. We recently became really close a year ago after knowing each other for about five years. She introduced me to our other best friend Keke. Who I love teasing with my Jamaican accent (Insider). Those two are my “Venting, I need a hug” team. They are the best.

Nani lives in the Bronx. That’s big sister. She comes down to PA often and spends days with me. We have so much fun and lots of laughs together. Nani has been though a lot in her life but manages to never let it affect her. She reaches deep down somewhere inside of her soul and brings out the best for her and anyone in her circle. I love her energy so much.

Lastly, George. Oh George, George, George, George. What can I say about him. George and I have been friends for pretty much 25 years. Never had an argument, never forgot about each other. Always remained close. George is married to Nikki who is just as great as he is, except Nikki is much prettier than George, lol. George has been my ride and die guy all my life. Any time I was down and out, he was there. Till this day George is my day one. Nothing will ever change that.

Well, that’s the run down of who is who in my life. Too little? Oh trust and believe there’s tons more coming. Have I intrigued you yet? No? Stick around! There’s lots of interesting stuff coming. Believe you me, you don’t want to miss it!

This is the beginning of the end of all the negative I invited into my life. I have finally found happiness and peace and I am ready to share it all with you! So hopefully you’ll stick around and have some laughs, some tears, and some hope.

Today’s blog ends with one piece of advice from me to you:

“Trust the timing of your life”

With Love,

Mar